Expectations be Damned
Or: How to Celebrate a Late Loved One's Birthday
My mom’s birthday was on June 14th. She would have been inching up in age along her seventies, in a parallel to my inching along as a thirty-something. It has always bothered me how I continue to grow older while loved ones who have died do not.
Before her birthday, I thought about what to do in order to celebrate. Should a throw a birthday party with friends in order to have a party and do something happy? What about a solo day in Kelvingrove Museum, a place she visited on her journey to Glasgow many years ago? Or perhaps I should indulge in chocolate cake and my favorite foods and television shows?
In the end, during the day I watched a few episodes of Taskmaster, a television show a friend recommended I watch. I’m thankful for the recommendation, because I LOVE IT. Hosted by British comedian Greg Davies and his assistant “little” Alex Horne, the taskmaster (Davies) organized individual and group tasks for the five comedians on the show to complete (and compete). It has truly brought me a lot of joy, and watching the show and the comedians’ reactions to their own actions and each other’s attempts at the tasks is humbling as it is hilarious. In the evening after watching a few episodes, I met up with a friend at a favorite bar and I had a few honey tequila palomas. I also treated myself to chocolate cake, birthday empire biscuits, and delish food as well.
Overall, I think the expectation of what to do had more of a negative impact than I had anticipated. This is the second deathiversary of her passing from cancer, and the second birthday after her death. It’s still a strange experience. I still think to myself every day, she’s still gone. Another day without her in it. I’m sad that we’re not able to celebrate, but I think she would be content knowing that I tried to take the pressure off of myself and force myself to “have fun” or “do what was expected of me.”
We were never the kind of people to visit grave sites. Plus, she was cremated and her ashes are with my sister in Florida. Sometimes, when I call, I ask to “speak to the box.” It is then I talk to the box, aka the location of mom’s ashes, aka mom. I didn’t do that this time. I just tried to get through the day and experience it as best as I could.
What should I be doing?
Whatever I want to be doing.
And that’s all that matters, expectations be damned.
Madeline Wahl is a recent graduate with an MLitt in Fantasy Literature from the University of Glasgow in Scotland. She is a writer, solo traveler, and millennial caregiver to her mom, who recently passed from terminal cancer. Her writing has appeared on Reader's Digest, HuffPost, Red Magazine, and McSweeney's, among others. She is working on her first novel in YA Fantasy and her first nonfiction book proposal on millennial caregiving.