Why I Didn't Celebrate New Year's Eve Going Into 2023

Alternatively: A permission slip for anyone who is grieving to skip out on things you're "supposed" to be doing.

What I originally thought this NYE would be like earlier this year. Photo by Arthur Chauvineau on Unsplash

I’ve had many incredible New Year’s Eve celebrations over the years with friends and on my travels. One year I celebrated on a solo trip to Scotland to celebrate Hogmanay in Edinburgh, exploring Christmas Markets, street parties, fireworks, and witnessing Franz Ferdinand perform live. Another was at a house party and we watched the ball drop on TV in New York. My favorite one, I’ve realized, was in 2020 when my mom and I stood outside and saw fireworks over other neighborhoods and then watched the New York ball drop from the TV. It was just the two of us, and after counting down and celebrating, we then went to sleep. It was perfect.

This year was nothing like that.

For the past few months, I’ve been in a graduate program in Scotland, and it’s been an absolute dream. However, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it home, or if I wanted to do so. Around Thanksgiving, I knew: I had to be home. So, I booked a relatively last-minute flight and made my way to visit family and then to my late mom’s home. On the way from Scotland, I had a short stop in Dublin. It was there that I met a friend IRL who I knew from London Writers’ Salon: the lovely Lou from Living and Laughing with Lou!

I landed in Dublin and saw the Book of Kells, wandered around Trinity College, and then Lou and I met up for dinner at The Brazen Head, the oldest pub in Dublin. We then proceeded to catch up, see Christmas markets at Dublin Castle—and then head inside Dublin Castle itself! It was lovely.

It was only after dinner and a few rounds of Guinness and walking around the brisk cool weather that we talked about being a carer for our beloved loved ones: for her, granny Nancy; for me, my mom. When I brought up not knowing what to do for NYE, she recommended to not celebrate it. To go to sleep early, and that it would be too painful.

Reader: I’m SO glad I took her advice.

I came back to the states and after seeing family, I went to my mom’s house where it was just me and my mom’s and late grandparent’s things remaining in the house.

For New Year’s Eve, I ordered in a pizza, garlic rolls, and then finished watching House of the Dragon on HBO. And then I watched tennis on Tennis Channel. And then I went to sleep, without watching the New York ball drop, without wishing a single person “Happy New Year!”, without seeing a single firework (though I did hear them), without a NYE kiss, and without hearing the Auld Lang Syne song—which is, fun fact, Scottish!

So, I’ve always been a bit superstitious about watching the NY ball drop and if I do that then I’ll have a “successful” new year. But by being honest with myself, this year, I wouldn’t have been emotionally able to handle the NYE festivities. I didn’t want to be around people celebrating, cheering, or really, being happy. I know. I know!

But happiness is a lot to witness among other people when you’re grieving. It feels blasphemous to say that, but as I’m writing this now listening to the soundtrack of House of the Dragon (bless Ramin Djawadi, the composer), I don’t feel as bad sharing this. I don’t want to have to feel shame for grieving, and then feel shame for not feeling “happy” or “thankful” or anything else about this upcoming year.

This is the time when I am—or rather, we as society—are literally leaving my mom behind as we leave 2022 and move into 2023.

The point being:

I hope you know that if you're grieving over the holidays, you're not alone. If you don't feel like celebrating anything, you don't have to celebrate anything. If you don't want to be around family, you don't have to be around family. If you want to have some alone time, you can have some alone time. You are allowed to grieve during this time of intense festivity, of seeing other people celebrating with families, loved ones, etc. It's okay, but it will also never be okay. Your holiday is your own. Your new year is your own.

Your life is your own.

Remember: Please treat yourself with kindness. Even though it seems like everyone is celebrating with family and friends, and everyone seems happy, and everyone is sharing family portraits and unwrapped presents and doing blah blah blah thing, it’s okay to do what you want. Nothing against the aforementioned group at all whatsoever, but sometimes, things hit different when you’re grieving.

And for me, this is one of them. So that’s why I didn’t celebrate NYE this year.

And honestly…it may have been one of the best.

With love,

Madeline

Madeline Wahl is a postgraduate student pursuing an MLitt in Fantasy Literature at the University of Glasgow in Scotland. She is a writer, solo traveler, and millennial caregiver to her mom, who recently passed from terminal cancer. Her writing has appeared on Reader's Digest, HuffPost, Red Magazine, and McSweeney's, among others. She is working on her first novel in YA Fantasy and her first nonfiction book proposal on millennial caregiving.